Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome, as always, to "The Gods Are Bored," coming to you from an undisclosed location in the Middle Atlantic states of the US of A! A bored god-sanctioned web site since 2005.

Don't know about you, but I don't like getting angry and popping off at people. I'd rather sit and stew. Or better yet, go out in the woods and bitch to an indifferent tree.

Technology has made it so much simpler to avoid people you don't want to talk to.

When I was a kid, you didn't know who was on the other end of the line when the phone rang. It could be your best friend wanting to go for a swim in the Antietam Creek, or it could be your nasty aunt, pissed at your mom ... again. You had to take the call. It was like gambling, sort of.

Then came a wonderful tool called the Answering Machine. Suddenly you could screen your calls. No more crazy Mom, ruining your weekend on a Saturday morning. Then again, you still had to listen to the message: (cue Mom, with menacing tone: "Call your MOTHER.")

These days the sweet little cell phone, which also doesn't even ring if you don't want it to, can tell you exactly who is dialing you up. Just look at the screen and make a decision. To talk, or not to talk: That is the question.

We at "The Gods Are Bored" say, damn all tradition, this new phone era is simply magickal! The only human variable in this is your personal self-control. Keep steady, and a great deal of aggravation is funneled into the Message Center, where you can delete without even listening!

There's a generation just older than mine that doesn't know how to text. This is the biggest blessing of all.

Part of the problem with many religions is that they don't bend with the arc of science and technology. Even though Jesus had nothing to say about abortion, people infer what the rule is on that, based on flimsy evidence from an ancient scroll. The bored gods favor evolutionary religions that rely less on hidebound traditions and more on the big, broad, flexible outlook. Bored gods are willing to change -- it's way better than extinction.

Therefore, when I see phone numbers blink up of people who I would just chew out if I spoke to them, I praise all the bored gods for cell phones. And I don't pick up.

The one downside is that I won't be able to identify the Republican pollsters, who I enjoy keeping on the line for 45 minutes, just to keep them from calling someone else (and also running up their phone bills). Oh well. A small price to pay for avoiding the people who will make me shout at trees.