Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" In case you've missed it, this month -- so sacred to Pagans -- has been declared a war zone by some people who want Jesus to blow things up. Pish tosh to them! As the veil grows thin, we will call upon the Gods and Goddesses to protect our land from zealotry of every stripe!

Today, the nefarious group known as "DC 40," founded by the linked lunatic above, has launched its prayer assault against the great state of Hawaii, birthplace of our current president (yes, really). Little known fact: Hawaii was granted statehood the year I was born. Yep. It's me, Alaska, Hawaii, and Barbie! Great year.

In response to the DC 40 bloody rain of terror, the Great Goddess Pele, sacred to the Original People of Hawaii, has dropped by for a quick interview. Please give a warm, wonderful, "Gods Are Bored" welcome to Pele!

Anne: My, my, you are a pretty Lady!

Pele: The artist Thalia Took has done a lovely likeness. Brrrr! It's cold in your house! Shall I warm things up?

Anne: Oh, no no! That's okay! Really! So kind and all, but we've got love to keep us warm here at Chateau Johnson. We don't need a Volcano Goddess. But this isn't Hawaii. This is New Jersey. Where exactly would Hawaii be without you, O Pele?

Pele: It wouldn't exist. My Sisters and I are responsible for many of the islands of the Pacific Rim.

Anne: And beautiful islands they are, too. So I'm told. I've never been to any of them. Pele, how do you feel about people who would like to pray you out of the way? It's not like they can kill you, but they can rob you of your praise and worship team.

Pele: I get steamed up about it. Who are these people, anyway? What's so special about their God?

Anne: Their God set a bush on fire, and it didn't burn. It just stood there.

Pele: That sounds like a myth to me.

Anne: Me too. I'd like to see it done again, no modern tricks.

Pele: Me too. I send out warnings before I start burning stuff up, but when I blow, things burn.

Anne: And from the nutrient-rich ashes of your fires, Great Goddess, come the verdant forests of our 50th state! All hail!

Pele: Thank you.

Anne: I've got a modest following here at "The Gods Are Bored," o Great Goddess Pele. Today I'm going to ask them to join me in prayer. Readers, please face Hawaii and pray the following:

"Great Goddess Pele of Hawaii,
Long may You live in peace as a Goddess of America.
Guard Your people as You did before the American flag flew in Your land.
We praise you, Great Pele.
Long may Your sacred fires turn into flowers!"

Pele: Oh, that's lovely! Now I must be homeward bound. Would you like to join me, Anne?

Anne: Well, let's see. On one hand, I have New Jersey, governed by Chris Christie, peppered with oil refineries and chemical plants, criss-crossed by turnpikes, and subject to all the air pollution flowing west to east across continental USA. On the other, Maui. Give me 15 minutes, Goddess, to pack my bags!

All hail Pele, Goddess of Hawaii. All hail the First Amendment of the Constitution. Congress shall pass no law respecting an establishment of religion.

Forever and ever. So might it be.

Image: Pele, by Thalia Took. Sidebar. For all your deity needs!