Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Hi, my name's Stan, and I'm Anne's Velociraptor. Today she took me to work.

Being a reptile, I really liked the classroom temperature, especially in the afternoon. I think it topped out at about 95 degrees. Everyone else got listless, but the heat made me more frisky. I don't see why Anne is complaining. She had no beef with the school calendar when she got all those snow days.

Being of carnivorous bent, I scouted Anne's class for the tastiest-looking victim. Would you believe she told me HANDS OFF THE STUDENTS? I'll bet if her darling buzzards went in there with her, she would hum a different tune!

Anne has three freshmen classes. The two classes in the morning watched "Romeo and Juliet." The class in the afternoon (last of the day) was so rowdy they didn't do anything at all. (Don't tell anyone!) That's where I got my name -- Stan. One of Anne's 9th period freshmen named me. Anne was calling me "Cuddles," which was not amusing.

Lunch was great! Today's special was fried chicken. When I finished that, I ate the Culinary instructor. So then it was nap time.

Anne had reserved an air-conditioned computer lab for her afternoon classes. Don't ask me why. Her regular classroom was a terrific place to take a nice, long nap full of dinosaur dreams. When I woke up I had missed the three sophomore classes altogether. Anyway, Anne's school seems like a nice enough place. I brought home a great new name for a souvenir.

As long as I have this forum, I would like to tell you Homo sapiens types that you don't know everything about everything. All the dinosaurs were destroyed in a flood just a few thousand years ago. Noah couldn't fit them on his ark. He had too many fleas and ticks and scorpions to accommodate. But that flood didn't reach everywhere. Some of us dinosaurs have survived. We live in the tunnels under Manhattan and in all the abandoned bomb shelters from the Cold War era. Those places can be downright cozy, especially in the wintertime. Oh yeah, and stop worrying about the doggone plastic that covers everything in sight! We post-Jurassic dinosaurs eat plastic when we run out of sewer rats and stray cats. Which is often. We're hungry critters.

If you don't have a Velociraptor in your life, let me know. I can arrange a match for you. Remember, dinosaurs are just like elephants, except with sharp teeth and bad tempers. Can't you use a pet like that in your daily stroll through this vale of tears?

Anne's operators are standing by to take your call.

ROAR, and all that. Whatever.

FROM STAN THE VELOCIRAPTOR