Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Put on your dancin' shoes, cuz tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999!

Night school is over! I have bid farewell to Mr. Bigwand on the stoop of his McMansion, after attending the mandatory last-night-of-night-school barbecue there. I think I can speak for the other inmates ... errr ... night school students when I say we were all happier than landfill buzzards!

I have endured ... errr ... learned (not) from Mr. Bigwand since last September, in search of a teaching credential that I need to teach what I'm already teaching. In September I was kind of in the YKMR (You're kidding me, right?) stage. Late in October, when he began to brag about scaring the piss out of little kids on Halloween, my minor annoyance turned to righteous wrath. At Christmas, when he said, "SO, WHAT DO YOU WICCANS CELEBRATE AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?" my wrath turned to the white hot loathing of a thousand galactic stars.

But spring has sprung, and I have come to look on Bigwand with the sort of resigned indifference one bestows on an elderly uncle who can't stop gushing about the glory days of Ronald Reagan. In other words, my parting with Mr. Bigwand was cordial. I even paid him the ultimate hypocrisy of thanking him for his hard work on behalf of our class.

I hate to say it, because it shows that I can be small-minded, but I loved watching him admit he doesn't like to take his beloved boat into the Chesapeake "because it's only a single engine." Whatever that means. I've been in the Chesapeake with just my arms and legs, and have seen every kind of boat besides. It is comforting, though, to know that I'll never be tucking into a dozen hard shell crabs and a pitcher on some dock, only to see him and Mrs. Bigwand tootling toward shore with worksheets in their hands.

It is customary for a student to reflect upon what he or she has learned in a class in order to pass a final examination. What I learned from Mr. Bigwand that is useful is this: Teaching is like salesmanship. If you don't hook the students in and get them excited about what they're going to do, you might as well whistle into the wind. Also, it's a good idea to close each lesson with a teaser for the next day, so the students will want to come back for more.

How long did it take you to read that? Okay, I spent 9 MONTHS LISTENING TO THIS ADVICE, AND PAID $1600 FOR IT!

Might as well get something for my money, eh?

Readers! Guess what? Tomorrow I'm going to teach you how to ward off boredom and hex people who use sacred holy days as a reason to frighten children! So come on back now, you hear?