Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" It's 2012, the Apocalypse year! Well, another Apocalypse year anyway. If we had experienced all the Apocalypses we have been promised over time, only the buzzards would remain. Therefore we forge ahead with the slow attrition that comes to any capitalist society where greed is not curbed by common sense.

I would be rejoicing over the choices of moron offered in the Iowa caucuses if I had any faith in our sitting president. Alas, it took less than four years for all of his platitudes to lose their hot air -- and his decision to waive habeus corpus for anyone deemed a "terrorist" is the most dictatorial move by a president since there was a real war going on right in our nation. The last president to decree arrests and detentions without charges or rights was ... drum roll ... Abraham Lincoln. Times were a bit different then, and it still wasn't right.

Oh well, la di dah, the message is clear: You Occupy, you die. No more wasted pepper spray. Hey, how do you think they got things done in Argentina?

Meanwhile, the Republicans are duking it out over the really, really, really important national issues: abortion, gay rights, and prayer in schools. How else could we possibly have experienced the re-emergence of Rick Santorum, a moron of such epic stupidity that his IQ has to be tested with the hamster scale? Chimps leave him in the dust.

If you've never heard of Rick Santorum, you haven't been here at TGAB very long. I've written more "moron par excellence" rants about him than any other hominid. (Using the word hominid rather reluctantly here.)

In the not-so-distant past, Rick was one of the U.S. Senators from Pennsylvania. Until some intrepid reporter got the idea to go visit the address Rick listed for himself and his family in some blue-collar locale in the western part of the state. Turned out Ricky and his large, home-schooled brood had decamped for suburban Virginia, where they were living in a lavish home, rather beyond the income level of an honest senator. He hadn't even bothered to hire someone to cut the grass at the old Pennsylvania homestead -- that's how he was nabbed.

Rick got trounced in his re-election bid. He is still living in Virginia.

The only people who like this guy are the same vote-splitting dingbats who were flocking to Rick Perry until he opened his mouth. Santorum is slightly more able to converse than Perry, but hardly the man to lead a large and diverse nation with severe economic difficulties and tense situations in several parts of the globe. Leadership? Rick Santorum couldn't guide rats through a maze if you spotted him the cheese.

I wonder what people in other parts of the world think of us. I think we look ridiculous, and I live here.