Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" Today marks the 150th anniversary of the American Civil War, the bloodiest conflict in America's short history. Make note that we were fighting each other, not some invader from across the briny deep.

Here we are, 150 years farther down the road, and we at "The Gods Are Bored" ask a question: Could there ever be another Civil War?

Ah, well, in all matters of war, pestilence, famine, bloodshed, and violence, I automatically call a bored god for an interview. With some trepidation (because last time he set my sofa on fire), I offer you Mars, the God of War. Please give a cool, calm, gentle welcome to Mars! Some hail!

Anne: Hello, Mars. Can I get you anything? A few anabolic steroids? Night vision goggles?

Mars: GOT 'EM ALREADY. DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME, IMPUDENT RISK-TAKER?

Anne: Yes. As You no doubt know (and approve), America is involved in a number of armed conflicts at present.

Mars: THE MORE THE MERRIER, I ALWAYS SAY.

Anne: I'm wondering if you see any civil wars in our future.

Mars: I'M WORKING ON IT.

Anne: What do you mean, you're working on it? You're trying to start a war, American against American? Something that could conceivably leave mounds of bodies in cornfields?

(Mars begins to slobber at the thought.)

Mars: FORGET IT. I MISSPOKE.


Anne: Crap on that! What do you have up your sleeve?

Mars: I DON'T HAVE TO DO MUCH HEAVY LIFTING HERE. YOU'VE GOT SOME HIGH-END MOVERS AND SHAKERS WHO ARE DIVIDING AND CONQUERING THE WORKING CLASSES. LOOK AT THIS THING IN WISCONSIN. NO FISTS FLEW ... THIS TIME. BUT JUST YOU WAIT.

Anne: I get you, God. If the drudge fights the drudge, and the rich look on from a comfortable distance, all that really happens is a convenient reduction in the workforce.

Mars: EVEN A SENATOR COULDN'T PHRASE IT BETTER THAN THAT.

Anne: Red states, blue states. Presidents of both parties that consistently support the wealthiest few at the expense of the many...

Mars: OH, WELL, YOUR LEADERSHIP WILL ALWAYS DO THAT. AND IF THEY CAN GET HALF THE POPULACE TO BUY INTO IT,  ONLY THE SMALL WILL SUFFER.

Anne: I don't know why it is ... I interview bored deities here all the time ... but you are the only one who gives me a stomach ache and hives. I suppose you absolutely adored the American Civil War.

Mars: LOVED IT.

Anne: Favorite general?

Mars: IT SURE WASN'T MCCLELLAN. MY MONEY GOES WITH JACKSON, EXCEPT I COULD NOT GET THAT MAN TO TAKE A NAP.

Anne: So you were on the side of the South?

Mars: I HAVEN'T TAKEN A SIDE SINCE ROME FELL. STRICTLY FREE LANCE THESE DAYS. PRAY TO ME, AND I FIGHT WITH YOU. THE CAUSE IS NOT IMPORTANT.

Anne: Just what this planet needs. A war god for hire. I suppose business is good.

Mars: BOOMING.

Anne: Show yourself out, you sorry excuse.