Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where there's always room for another moron! And plenty are the morons who deserve attention here -- there's never enough time ...

You've probably heard the term "helicopter parent." These are parents who try to micro-manage their kids' lives, especially in high school and college. Snobville is full of such people, only they often miss the forest (kids behaving badly) for the trees (kids excelling in school). God forbid little Biff or Buffy bring home a "C" in cooking class! How can they get into Harvard with that stain on their perfect report card?

I'm totally serious. Snobville High no longer has cooking classes because they were a threat to those all-important GPAs.

This week, helicopter parenting took on a whole new heft here in New Jersey. Our infamous "I'm-going-to-tame-runaway-spending" governor, Chris Christie, found that he might miss his son's varsity baseball game because he had an important meeting with a bunch of Iowa Republicans who came to Trenton to try to get him to lumber for president. ("Run" cannot be used in Christie's case. He couldn't save himself from an attack sloth.) Fearing he might miss the first pitch, Christie hitched a ride in a state police helicopter that flew him to the game. Governor Blimpy then took a limosine for the final 100 yards to the game. Word, the guy cannot walk the length of a football field.

The evil journalists who follow such things made a report, and it got around that Governor Spendthrift does not do as he says. He has since reimbursed the State of New Jersey for use of a state helicopter, but rest assured he wouldn't have bothered if he hadn't been caught out doing it.

Now, I know we are an overweight nation, most of us are overweight at least a little. I stand accused myself on that front. But Governor Christie is not overweight a little. He is obese. They would snap him up for "The Perfect Loser" without even looking at how bad a governor he is. With that in mind, as a citizen of New Jersey, I would like to observe the following:

1. Whatever that helicopter ride cost, Christie ought to have to pay the same surcharge that obese airline passengers have to pay. That chopper must have labored like a mule to get off the ground with Chris Christie inside.

2. Did he reimburse the limo for driving him 100 yards? Same thing. A car works harder when it's weighed down.

People are talking about this man running for president. I say, go ahead and vote him in, Iowa. But before you do, go to your nearest encyclopedia and look at pictures of our American presidents. Out of almost 50 chief executives, I think only Teddy and Taft were fat. Oh, wait. I've seen pictures of Grover Cleveland. He was porky too. Otherwise, weighty matters tend to be decided by men (and soon women) who watch their weight. Even Tricky Dick cut a fine figure in a tux.

Governor, you're a spoiled brat who got caught with his hands -- both of them -- in the state cookie jar. If the rest of us are giving up hard-earned benefits, the least you can do is walk 100 yards ... and for the love of all that is state property, stop this helicopter abuse! Next time use the aircraft carrier. Better fit.