Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," where we have very, very, very good news today!

The date for Rapture has been set. According to a huge billboard about a mile away from where I'm sitting, Armageddon begins on May 21, 2011.

In less than two weeks, the busy god will call his best pupils away, and the world will suddenly become less populous. That is, if you believe that more than 144,000 people can get into heaven.

For the sake of celebration, let us assume that more than 144,000 people will get into heaven.

On May 21, as I said, the best and brightest of Yahweh's bustling entourage will be whisked straight away. What will the rest of us do?

On Facebook, someone has set up an After Rapture Party for May 22. I'm cool with that. I'll dig out a nice casserole recipe for nostalgia's sake, and all of us Left Behinders can revel in the removal of the very most sanctimonious amongst us.

Think of all the mega-churches we'll have, totally empty and at our disposal! Well, there's a nice gap-filler in the school budget, for one thing. Art supplies! Tables, chairs, and desks, for kids of all sizes! Take the school stuff out, put in some lightly-used furniture, and voila! Housing for people who are living in tents! Some of these places even have showers and basketball courts. Sweet!

The Raptured will leave behind homes, cars, clothes, jewelry, furniture, pets, and other swell things that can be doled out to the non-Raptured on an as-needed basis. I think we can be fair about this. Take me, for instance. My car works pretty well, so I won't need the late model Ford Escalade belonging to the pastor who figured out when The Rapture would begin. But I'll bet there's someone out there whose beat-up old pickup just breathed its last. And I'll bet that person just missed Rapture by a smidgen, maybe bet the Kentucky Derby last weekend or something equally pernicious. Justice! That's what I'm all about. The Escalade goes to the guilty gambler. It'll take the sting out of not being Raptured (and missing out on that fabulous $300-plus exacta).

Just a warning: We at "The Gods Are Bored" may be a little late for the After Rapture Party. Awhile back, we went to give blood at the Snobville United Methodist Church, in the process getting an eyeball of some high quality upholstered furniture in the church foyer. No one will miss it! Ask any Snobville Methodist, they will shyly admit they're on the Rapture roster.

So I get first dibs on the easy chairs, okay? You all must know me by now.