Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," counting down to Rapture in three ... two ... one.

I find it hard to make predictions about deities. One time I was on a golf course, on a high piece of ground, with a titanium putter in my hand, just four feet from the hole. I missed the shot. As a thunderstorm roiled around me, I waved the putter in the air and dared God to strike me dead.

And here I am. You cannot trust these deities to do what they're purported to do.

At the same time, I can't help but draw up a wish list for the Great Beast.

You've heard of the Great Beast. He's the bad dude who's going to descend and enthrall us after Rapture ... only to dash our heads against the bricks, or some such.

Who would you like to see dashed on the bricks by the Great Beast?

Me, I'm a no-kill kinda gal, so maybe I ought to put it differently. Who do you think deserves to smell the Great Beast's breath up close and personal?

Here's my short list.

1. People who think there's only one way to salvation, and that is ... (enter your exclusionary religion here).

2. People who reap profit off human suffering. You know, insurance company execs, makers of fast food, the Military Industrial Complex ... enough examples. You're smart. You get it.

3. People who set themselves up as paragons of virtue, when really they're secretly boozing, drugging, and banging in reckless abandon. Have at 'em, Beast.

4. All of the people who have replaced the cute Mister Softee vendor who used to drive the ice cream truck through my neighborhood. (Yes, I know. It's personal.)

5. Rick Santorum, just because he would not believe his bad luck at not being Raptured.

Please feel free to leave your candidates for suffering at the hands of the Great Beast in the comments column. We at "The Gods Are Bored" really appreciate your patronage, which will be the subject of the next entry!