Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" It's nice to see you. I'm sorry I haven't written this week, but my eyes are giving me trouble. Too much staring at spreadsheets in this era of data-driven instruction.

I'd like to think New Jersey has a monopoly on moron governors, but oh please. It seems that many states require people to flunk basic IQ tests before they can move into the statehouses.

Having said that, our latest foul, putrescent excuse for a hominid, Chris Christie by name, is attempting to tame New Jersey's high taxes with ham-fisted Republican politics that would do Louis XVI proud.

At a time when our sitting president is deploring the national test scores, Governor Fat Bastard has slashed the state education budget and promises to crush the teacher's union and put an end to the "evil" known as tenure. GFB is also out to get all other state unions that have negotiated and paid into pension plans. He's a dip-your-lance-in-your-opponent's-blood kinda guy.

But his latest conceit moves him out of the realm of ordinary political moron and into the rarified atmosphere of a salaried menace to society.

Chris Christie plans to cut Camden, NJ's police force in half.

Yes, this is the notorious Camden that perennially ranks among America's murder capitals. It's the same Camden from which most of my students come.

I can't think for this statehouse ape. But from my point of view, it seems as if he really doesn't care if the citizens of Camden live or die. Could he look into the eyes of my students every day, the kids from upwardly mobile immigrant families who just want to get a little bit ahead in the world? Could he read what I read every day -- sad tales of friends killed in gang violence, poorly-spelled vows to stay out of trouble, tributes to family members lost forever?

Go ahead, Chris Christie, you fat bastard. Take my pension. Make it impossible for me to achieve tenure. But by all the deities of all the pantheons both known and unknown, may They all reign forever, do not make Camden's streets more dangerous for my students.

At least don't do it without looking them in the eye. Straight in the eye as you say, "Well, the billionaires in Fort Lee are tired of paying taxes to subsidize your police force."

I evoke the Threefold Law upon Governor Chris Christie. Go ahead, Governor Girth. Make my day.