Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Warm welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," your little oasis of Pagan humor in the vast sea of Serious Thinking! I'm your host, Anne Johnson, restored to good spirits with a little old dose of sanity.

Whew. Sanity has gotten expensive! Have you noticed? When it was prescription, I could get my health plan to pay for it. Then it went generic and got even more affordable. Now that anyone can get it over-the-counter, a good dose of sanity sets you back a bundle.

Oh shit. Was I talking about sanity, or Zyrtec? Silly me! Zyrtec is the more expensive item. Sanity comes from within -- and from without, a gift from the bored God or Goddess of your choice.

We all really know what the best medicine is, though. Don't we? LOL, ROTFL LMPAO. (Pagan)

A funny thing about the Internet is that, if you keep a diary, its entries never really grow old. This blog is almost five years old (wow), and I get comments from people who are still reading my rants of yesteryear. Here are some topical favorites from ages hence, in no particular order:

KEPT WOMEN

Early on in the history of TGAB, I wrote a post about women who didn't have to work because their husbands brought in all the bread. I called it Kept Women. And has it ever gotten the hits! Time to trot that old topic out again and freshen it.

With the economy the way it is now, I'm betting that there are far fewer Kept Women of every kind than there were in 2005. Even my neighborhood's Alpha Kept Woman had to go get a job at Barnes & Noble when her husband was let go from his six-figure salary. Let's face it. Chances are these days that there are almost as many Kept Men as Kept Women. It's a cold, cruel world out there if you aren't one of the tiny fraction of people who control all the money.

So on the matter of Kept Women, I wax nostalgic and say yes, I was bitter about their riches and their ability to devote themselves heart and soul to the PTA. But now that so many of them are slapping FOR SALE signs on their mansions, I say, "Woe are they! Have mercy, Bored Gods!"

RHODESIAN RIDGEBACKS

You know what makes people boil over in nasty ways? Insult their dogs. I wrote a post about how a fellow with a foursome of Rhodesian Ridgebacks got into some hot water with his neighbors and friends when the fluffy little pooches did a little friendly gnawing on various human limbs. I'll bet I've heard from two dozen kindly people who assure me that Rhodesian Ridgebacks might as well be Beanie Babies, they're that docile. If you own one of these purebred canines, will you do me a favor? Love it to death, but don't expect everyone else to. Especially my friend with the permanent scar on her shoulder, put there by the bite of a Beanie Baby.

Don't get me wrong. I like dogs. I like them the way I like jelly beans -- all mixed up with different colors and flavors. The better mixed the mutt, the more I like it. If you don't agree, why are you here? Go browse the Westminster Kennel Club site or that puppy mill in the next county.

TEABAGGERS

Okay. Truthfully, I've never written about teabaggers before. How did I miss this blue ribbon chance to hand out moron badges? No offense to these well-meaning village idiots, but do they ever wonder about the fearless leaders they take their marching orders from? Like, who is telling them to oppose helping the poor and sick? Can't be Jesus. Last time I looked, anyway, which has been awhile. Maybe someone ripped into the Bible and gave it an edit, better to reflect the agenda of Corporate America. I guess that's probably it. Pray and grow rich, then you won't need government health care -- and damn to hell anyone who does! They just didn't pray to grow rich!

If you are uninsured, get on this right away. Pray to be rich. Not to a bored god, though. He or She will see right through you.

OTHER SCUM

I'm trying to think of other ridiculous people, places, and things to insult, so that idle Googlers find what I've written and take me to task. Come on and help me out here, friends! Give me TARGETS. Not the usual stuff like Wal-Mart and Rush Limbaugh. Weird stuff with a small following, like Moms Who Make Their Teens Wear GPS Trackers. I don't know. Let's get creative! I like being told off by a Kept Woman who just got back from having her Rhodesian Ridgeback groomed and is just dropping onto the Net for a minute before her tennis lesson. Her husband never lost his job because he's in the Strategic Planning Sector at Blue Cross.

Yes, I'm Anne. Back, bad, and taking self pity to the mat! No day without a faerie! Top that!