Shopping Tips and Guidance by Mandy Claire

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" When the vulture costume arrives at the front door, I know it's a sign that spring is in the air!

And yes, my friends and readers (all three of you), the ever-helpful Akron Costume and Supply has delivered again! On Saturday afternoon I step out, adorned in my feathery finery, to help the fine young minds in Wenonah, New Jersey learn that vultures are a good thing, a wonderful thing, a sight to be gazed upon with awe and joy!

I would so keep this costume if I had the dough. But I'll bet it costs an arm and a leg ... it's a rental.

Which makes me wonder who else uses it during the year. And why.

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," celebrating the fabulous Egyptian deities and their respect for Vulture since 2005! All hail the sacred Thunderbird, the Peace Eagle, the Golden Purifier, bird without end, Amen!

We are entering Buzzard Week, the annual peak of Vulture Worship in New Jersey. The East Coast Vulture Festival is Saturday, March 5, in lovely Wenonah, New Jersey. Look alive if you come, because 200 vultures can't be fooled.

Awhile back I wrote a post about Staunton, Virginia, which has a similar influx of winter buzzards. The people of Staunton are not happy about their town being a Holy Land for the Golden Purifier.

Some time last week, I guess a citizen of that ill-informed hamlet read my post. In true troll fashion (which I don't mind at all, unless it's aimed at someone else in my comments section), this sorry apostate wrote the following:

"Until you have lived with a flock of 30+ Buzzards roosting in YOUR yard and vomiting in YOUR yard, you really can't know how disgusting these vile creatures are and you can't say just what you would consider doing to get rid of them. If you would like to have that first hand experience you can camp out in our backyard under the pine trees and get up close and personal with mother nature's garbage disposals. Just make sure you are wearing a hazmat suit because you will need it!"

Oh, my my my. Bound to share Prometheus's hill, I would say. Anon, you won't be burnt at the stake by this civilized Pagan, but you are WRONG WRONG WRONG on every front.

1. I do not have the good fortune of living with a buzzard roost in my back yard. However, I make frequent trips to Wenonah, where the residents don't mind seeing me in their yards under their trees.

2. I have never seen or smelt buzzard vomit in Wenonah. Buzzards don't barf unless they are stressed. That's food they need to survive! Maybe if you quit shooting paintballs at them, they'd keep their supper in their crops.

3. On said trips to Wenonah, I have smelled a distinctly musty odor, but nothing that would be offensive. Vultures are also very quiet. All you hear is a rustle of wings. Their poop doesn't smell. My car has been bombed with it. I don't even wash it off. I just let the rain take care of it.

4. The concentration of vultures in winter roosts is a seasonal phenomenon. In the spring they take off and go their merry way, out into the (vanishing) wilderness and the (overflowing) landfills.

So, Anonymous (oh I love trolls!), I put it to your heretic self this way: Vultures for a few months, not vomiting if you leave them alone, or these horrific, noisy, poop-strewing, shouldn't-even-be-here Canadian geese? It's been nonstop honking here today, and sadly, they ain't flying north.

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored!" For all the newbies, here's our platform in a nutshell: If God said, "You shall have no other gods but Me," that presupposes there are other deities. Thank goodness for that. Who wants to pray to a jealous old white man?

Last Friday was the first time I called out sick during the school year 2010-11. I'm a dedicated teacher who puts in 10-hour days without thinking about it. It's my job.

Anyway, I was home sick, and I picked up the Philadelphia Daily News, and therein I read a column by one of their contributors, a moron named Christine Flowers.

The only earthly reason I can see for Christine Flowers to be writing for the Daily News is that she makes the readers furious enough to keep buying the paper to see what she'll write next.

I don't know how long ago it was that Mizz Flowers wrote a column extolling Governor Chris Christie. I emailed her, she emailed back, saying she just wants to see an end to "bloated teacher salaries."

Since then I've mostly missed her, because I'm so busy earning my bloated salary of less than fifty grand. But lately I've caught up with her and decided to make her my new "moron du jour" until Rick Santorum gets his national candidacy out of the gutter and into swing.

Christine is in full flower today, so if you've taken your blood pressure medicine, go to Philly dot com and enter her name in the search engine. Or you can try this link ... but you know how I am at linking ...


http://www.philly.com/philly/columnists/christine_flowers/20110225_Christine_M__Flowers__When_Oscar_meets_real_life.html


The easiest way to get on Annie the Cailleach's last nerve is to make fun of "Norma Rae." Christine the Moron starts with that and moves on. You can smell the "let them eat cake" on her breath.

Philly dot com is an open site, and Christine writes every Friday. I have started trolling there, and if you feel moved to do so, I guarantee her ego is large enough that she will read what you write, whether it gets posted or not. Knowing that my fine Pagan readers are tasteful and thoughtful, I unleash you all upon her with the blessings of the bored gods.

Making fun of "Norma Rae" in the face of the protests in Wisconsin? Moron. Now deal with me. I don't get paid to write newspaper columns, but there's some satisfaction in being able to sneer in your general direction. What a waste of a beautiful surname!